Chewing
by Asanisan
Summary: Rated M for morbid humor and coarse language. And handcuffs. Let’s not forget the handcuffs. HB. Oneshot?


**Chewing**

Or

"**Please, Botan! There's Got to be Another Way!"**

"What the hell are you doing, baka onna?" Hiei asked, nonplussed thanks to the blue-haired girl currently chewing on her wrist.

"I'm gnawing my hand off," she said rather eloquently considering her teeth were latched onto her skin. "It's a common survival technique animals will sometimes use when helplessly caught in a trap that will certainly cost them their lives."

"This is just too fucking hilarious!" Yusuke guffawed from the floor, where he was judiciously rolling around and laughing his fucking guts out. If only that was "We should've done this- ha ha- years ago!"

"Where's the key, kitsune?" Hiei demanded of the mastermind of this dastardly plot. And who the fuck says "dastardly" anymore? Oh, right. The baka onna.

Kurama was too busy laughing to tell him, instead giving a shrug of the shoulders to say that he had no clue. Hiei turned his sights on the only member in the small audience of this debacle who was not trying to give himself an aneurysm via uncontrollable laughter.

"Don't look at me," the bumbling oaf said, looking at the blue-haired idiot with concern. "Guys, I think she's bleeding."

"That's kind of the point, you twit!" Botan mumbled around a mouthful of wrist.

"Oh, God- ha ha ha- can't…breathe…heh hah ha heh ha…"

"Tell me where the fucking key is, damn it!" Hiei yelled at the idiot former Reikai tantei.

"That's the best part," Kurama told him between chuckles. "Yusuke lost it."

"**What?!"**

Hiei's youki flared up as his anger soared into a raging fire of dark flames. Beside him, Botan started chewing faster.

"Are you telling me I'm stuck handcuffed to this imbecilic excuse for an onna for the rest of my life?!"

Botan bit down especially hard on her hand and blood started to gush from the wound. He almost sighed, but managed to redirect the frustration into taking her handcuffed hand in his and pushing her face away from it as far as he could reach. She strained against him and her teeth chomped together uselessly. He was surprised to see a nice, neat row of very sharp, if not pointed teeth.

"Don't worry, Botan," Kuwabara said to placate the insane girl. "Reiki enforced handcuffs can be sawn off eventually. Please stop biting your hand."

"Forget about my hand! Can't you see there are more important things right now?! I'm worried for my life here!"

And she pushed against his hand on her forehead, making her chin tilt forward in a most pathetic way. Her teeth were still snapping and they were coming dangerously close to his arm.

"If you bite me, I _will_ kill you," Hiei threatened darkly.

Botan dropped to the floor, jerking his arm down with her and making him bend over.

"Ha ha ha!"

"What the fuck are you doing, baka onna?!"

"I'm playing dead," she whispered. "There's no way I'll make it past five minutes without you killing me, so if I play dead, you can't kill me, because I'll already be dead."

This time he did sigh. And then he started to laugh just as hard as Yusuke.

"I can't even tell if you're serious or not," he said between mirthful chuckles. "I think they finally pushed you over the edge, baka onna."

"Well, I'm not off my rocker if that's what you're implying," she said crossly, crossing her arms and making him fall on top of her. He kept on laughing, much to everyone's surprise, even his own. "Seriously, worst prank ever, guys."

"I don't know, Botan. If even Hiei's laughing, this is one for the history books," Kuwabara said, finally joining in the laughter.

"Will someone please get me a ki enforced hacksaw?!" Botan yelled to the air.

"For your arm or the cuffs, crazy onna?" Hiei asked with a laugh.

"Both if I have to!" she said, sticking her tongue out at him.

"That has to be the worst comeback ever, baka onna," he laughed at her and stood up. He grabbed hold of her cuffed wrist, pulled her up by it, and deftly swung the rest of her over his shoulder. It should have been awkward with the way she was almost wrapped around his torso as he held her thighs in one arm and her handcuffed wrist at his other shoulder, but she seemed to fit against him surprisingly well. He almost raised an eyebrow when her startled, hanging hand fisted in the fabric above his butt. Instead of telling her to move it, he decided to insult her. "I realize this must be a lot for your few brain cells to handle, but please try to keep up a little better."

"Oh, put me down! Shut up, please."

He laughed at her again, not sure if she had mixed up her phrases intentionally or if she really had gone off the deep end.

"I thought you were playing dead, idiot," he reminded, walking away from their friends, who had burst into another round of laughing fits.

"Oh, yeah. Um…blurbble, blurbble?"

"What the fuck was that?" he asked, shoulders shaking with his own laughter.

"Um…my impression of a decaying corpse. You know, the part where all the juices are turning into smelly gases and bubbling up in the putrid, rotting flesh. Blurbble."

He laughed again at the idiotic word. "Is this another stupid survival technique?"

"Yep. I call it the 'keep the Hiei laughing and he probably won't want to slice open your jugular' technique. Is it working?" she asked hopefully.

"Maybe."

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pool. You're just saying that to preserve my shy sensibilities, aren't you?" She sighed theatrically. "What's a damsel in distress to do?"

He snickered evilly and then laughed at the thought of the onna as a damsel in distress. The image fit her about as well as gloves fit a cat. And her insanity was catching, if his metaphors were anything to go by.

"So when are we going to get that hacksaw?" she asked conversationally.

"As soon as we get to Reikai."

"Like as soon as we get there, or are we going to have to yell really loud that we need a hacksaw, because I don't think that will go over real well with security. We're in the Red Level this week."

"Now you're making no sense," he told her, chuckling at the looks on oni faces when he asks for a hacksaw.

"I know. It's my few brain cells. They wore themselves out."

"Were you really going to chew off your hand?" he asked really wanting to know if she was that afraid he would kill her.

"Maybe," she sang. "It's not like I couldn't grow it back anyway."

"Seriously? You can regenerate?" he wondered.

"Dunno. I've never tried before. Seemed like the best time to find out though."

"Your idiocy never fails to amaze me," he said blandly, adjusting his hand on her wrist when it started to slip from the blood.

"I aim to please."

She had to be smiling like the idiot she was. He could hear it in her voice.

"So, are you going to put me down before we get there?" she asked.

"No."

"If I wiggle around a lot, will you let me down?"

"No, I'll kill you."

"Fair enough. But say I was to come on to you. Would you put me down then?"

"No." He would probably just have his way with her here and now, handcuffs be damned.

"Okay. Can I bribe you to put me down?"

"No."

"I'll be your slave for a day."

As tempting as that was, "No."

"A week?"

"No."

"A month?"

"No."

"A year?"

"No."

"Then what's it going to take?" she asked loudly. "I can't feel my ears with all the blood rushing to my head."

"The rest of your life," he answered darkly.

"What?"

"Be my slave for the rest of your life, baka onna!"

After a moment's pause, "Deal!"

He smirked triumphantly and set her down on the ground. She smiled down at him from her full height and the only thing that stopped him from throwing her back over his shoulder was the thought that she had to do whatever he said for as long as she lived.

"You do know I'm dead, right?" she asked with that same idiotic smile.

He glared and jerked his cuffed hand hard, sending her flying into his waiting arms. "You know we're still handcuffed, right?"

"Heh, heh. Just kidding?"

"You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now," he said, baring sharp teeth.

"I'm sorry," she whispered with a downcast look. "I'll be good now and hang upside down until I can't feel my ears any more."

He grunted and slung her over his shoulder again. He started walking toward the nearest portal to Reikai.

"You'll also be my slave for the rest of your afterlife," he told her triumphantly.

"What?! But that's not fair!"

"Neither is being handcuffed to you. We'll both learn to deal with it."

"But…but…hacksaw!"

"Your point?"

"The handcuffs aren't staying on forever, but I have to be your slave forever. It's exploitation! I'm warning you. We'll unionize!"

"Just shut up and enjoy the ride, baka."

"I'm not going to be your slave," she said stubbornly, an angry fist finding the fabric above his butt again.

"We'll see," he promised ominously.

"You're evil. You know that, right?" she sulked.

"Yes."

"I should have chewed _your_ hand off instead," she grumped.

He chuckled and squeezed her thigh, earning a squeak from her and pinch to his butt. He didn't mind it though. All would be repaid shortly. As soon as they found that hacksaw, she would know her place.

"I hope the blood stains," she said of her blood dripping on his white scarf.

"It's what you get for using such pathetic survival techniques against me," he said to her small means of vengeance for enslaving her.

"Yeah, next time I'll know to just bring a hacksaw."

**Author's Note:**

This came about as an idea that came to my head when I read the summary of a fellow author's fic and I ran with it from there. Can you imagine Botan frantically chewing on her wrist? Hi-larious!

On a different note, do any of you think Hiei hides his desires for Botan behind insults and surliness? I certainly like to think so. Wink, wink.

This is terribly crackish. Since I haven't put anything out lately, I pulled something from my archives that I never intended to post due to... insane amount of crack, but it does bring a smile to my face when I reread it.


End file.
